Life in Chelsea

 

What have I learned after living in Chelsea?

 

It is so strange that I lived for almost 7 years in London, but I only started to understand British culture or British people, or maybe just the real life in London, after I moved to Chelsea.

 

Here are 50 points that you should take into consideration:

(it is not compulsory of course 🙂 )

 

 

  1.  always say “thank you”, “please” and “sorry” (I am not joking, ALWAYS, every single sentence)
  2. always smile
  3. ask about the weather
  4. always have an umbrella
  5. don’t ask personal questions (age, money, job, wife/husband)
  6. don’t talk about your family or about your business unless you are very-very-very 🙂 close to that person
  7. don’t wear make up, unless you going to a party (mascara OR lipstick it is allowed 🙂 )
  8. don’t wear high heals when you walk the dog, you go to the gym or when you do shopping
  9. you can have a spare pair of shoes in your bag (it is more than normal)
  10. don’t misjudge their old houses (might be more expensive than you could ever imagine)
  11. speak proper English
  12. don’t be surprise when police smiles to you
  13. you will see more fathers with the pram than mothers (especially in the afternoon)
  14. dogs are considered exactly like kids and they are welcome everywhere, because they are well-behaved
  15. don’t put earrings on your little baby girl (gipsy style)
  16. eat with the fork in your left hand (never right)
  17. no cash, always card
  18. never talk about religion
  19. political affiliation is not something to talk about
  20. drive slowly and always respect the rules
  21. never ask for a toothpick in a restaurant
  22. good restaurant will not provide paper tissues (don’t ask for one)
  23. never chew gum
  24. you can smoke anywhere as long as you are outside 🙂
  25. there’s no dress code and you will never be judge by your clothes (unless you are too vulgar, or too show off )
  26. curly means wavy
  27. long nails are considered gipsy style
  28. never disagree – always be polite
  29. never use your phone during dinner/lunch (they actually leave their phone in the car or in their bag/jacket to show how respectful they are)
  30. nobody is afraid of the government
  31. it is not important to wear bling-blings, it is much more important to wear something simple and branded
  32. always eyes to eyes contact when you have a conversation
  33. never be rude
  34. be quiet and patient
  35. never complain
  36. always help
  37. always apologize when someone bumps into you
  38. make compliments (even to strangers)
  39. respect the queue
  40. pay your tax on time
  41. pay your fines
  42. always eat everything from your plate
  43. never say “no”, just “maybe”
  44. read the newspapers (you should always be informed about what’s going around the globe)
  45. don’t take pictures without permission
  46. good humor is always allowed, jokes only after a while
  47. it’s “trousers” not “pants”
  48. you take a “cab”, not a “taxi”
  49. never refuse an invitation
  50. always look interested even if you are not!

 

And don’t forget…again and again.. Thank you…Please…Sorry!!!

Thank you for your time! :))

 

 

 

 

Macedonians

I thank God I was born a woman.

 

Although most couples want boys to perpetuate their name or for other reasons, on 6th of March 1990 I came into this world: half Romanian, half Macedonian. I might say this is the perfect combination between tradition and modernism. I don’t know if my parents wanted their first child to be a boy but I know for sure they were happy having me. Most Macedonians do whatever they want to have lots of boys without realizing that girls will be the ones bringing joy in the years to come.

 

I have always said out loud that I am Macedonian. I’ve spoken Macedonian language every since I was born and I will never be ashamed of it. I never spoke Romanian with my father. I couldn’t do it even if I tried to. There are a few Macedonian families in the town where I grew up. I don’t know the exact number but we are a minority. There are many kinds of aromanians: Farsehots, Muzachiars, Gramustians, Pindeans, etc… In my town area there are many Cipans. The difference between these types is of language, customs and traditions. Something like: Moldovans, Olteni and Banateni.

 

According to our history we appear somewhere during the Middle Ages, around 1180. Currently we live in Romania, Grece, Albania; anyway, you may google it. I will strictly talk about my opinion about my kind. As usual, there are also positive and negative sides of it. When I asked for an opinion about Macedonians, the first thing I heard was: “they stick together”. Eh… I don’t really know how united they are nowadays. Maybe they stuck together when everybody had gold hidden under ground and many sheep. They loved each other, they shared respect and love. “When communists came”, because these are the words you’ll hear from any old person belonging to this majority “they took everything we had”. The chaos started. Some of us started things from scratch and they achieved success, others remained in the same place, other evolved and of course they kept their everlasting mentality. I am not embarrassed to admit that my father ran for mayor in our wonderful city; among those who “dug” him there were some of our kind. Between us, almost everyone is related to everyone, in a way or another. Somehow we have common roots: 3rd and 4th degree cousins or maybe by alliance. It is rather interesting and pleasant to discover that you are related to someone in two ways.

Our respect for older people remained the same. At least in my family. My grandfather, on my father’s side, always sat at the head of the table; he was the one I obeyed, the one I hid in pubs and coffee shops when I was in high school. I don’t know if I was scared of him as much as I respected him. We still go by the rule of obeying. My father has always been the head of the family while my mother was the neck. She brought some Romanian traditions into our family. Generally speaking, Macedonians are very strict and live a traditional life. This is not entirely a bad thing but some families go by the rules our grandmother obeyed when they were young. Thanks God that in our family there was respect and security but not absurdity. For example, I know a 22 years old girl whose parents had been taking her periodically to the gynecologist to make sure she was still a virgin and to prevent her for having any kind of relationship to a “mucan” (Romanian) for whom she might have opened her legs.

It would be impossible for her to marry a Romanian. The worst case scenario is that she remained a spinster. I know so many situations in which a Macedonian girl was not allowed to marry a Romanian boy so they stayed “single” their whole lives or they died being caught in unhappy marriages. My parents were lucky they eventually received the permission to marry, after having so many adventures.

I can not say this is still a problem but I know for sure that “dada”(grandma) or “papu”(grandpa) had something to say in Macedonian language, so that no Romanian could understand them. A very important thing is that Macedonians know how to keep up appearances. The ladies are always happy, the men are the richest and the children, of course, are the smartest. I can not put everyone in the same pot but there is a town in Romania where Macedonians don’t look like Macedonians. They are just braggers. According to that saying “their cars are more expensive than their house”, they only have gucci, pucci, mucci bags… I have to mention that these are “fake”. Going on the sea had a very big influence on them. I was lucky that where I grew up most of the aromanians stayed decent and minded their own business. But going back to appearance. The “inveasta”(some kind of daughter in law, wife) is always looking good, wearing long dress at her wedding she dances with her smile on her face no matter her true feelings. They all struggle to born boys because nowadays, if you don’t have at least one boy you have serious issues. Especially if you are a Romanian girl in a Macedonian house.

 

Avarice. It is a common thing which Romanian people can’t understand. I don’t know how avaricious the Macedonians are, they only know how to raise fortunes to put things aside for a rainy day. I have never been to a Macedonian house too seeing that they didn’t have food on the table. I’ve always ate my heart out in such houses. They are very king and they want their guest to feel welcomed. No matter the season or how wealthy we are, we always have a full storage. We’ve learned to make provisions to be prepared for the days when we won’t have that much possibilities. Although some people see it in a bad light, I have never seen a Macedonian suffering from hunger. They managed to survive in a way or another. One will find envy and gossip in every place one goes but here, these things are disguised. We have a good sense due to our education even since childhood. Ok … there are black sheep in every flock, so we also have them … but I won’t go into details.

 

Our weddings are the best. This is my opinion and the opinion of many Romanians. We have beautiful traditions, good music and everybody dances until dawn, no matter their age. Traditions are different according to what kind of aromanian you are, but for the Cipans (us) there is hlambura. This is the Romanian flag tied on a cross like stick and people put apples on the tips of it. One dances with this on his/her head during the wedding night. Before the wedding we do the “ isusirea”(engagement), which represents the small sign and the big sign. The small sign is for first degree relatives while the big sign is a party thrown for all the relatives. People come bearing lots of gifts, they share gold and candies. Another reason to dance and to be happy is to “Se measti inveasta”, which means you give money to the bride. There many other traditions. When you go to a Macedonian wedding you empty your pockets. If you are a child you receive money everywhere: when you visit your relatives, when you recite a poem or when you take a good mark. You only have to kiss your grandpa’s forehead and he puts his hand in his pockets. Food is special. We have your main dishes which can not miss, such as “piperki”. This dish can be eaten in every season and it is wonderful with our sheep cheese.

 

So, I am proud of my Macedonian origins; that I grew up in a family with beautiful traditions; I learned to pay my respects to older people. I am also proud of being raised by the Macedonians, that I learned the language which I am still speaking. I told myself that someday my children will be proud of their Macedonian origins no matter the place they will live in this world.

Late at night

5 o’clock in the morning. My phone was ringing.  I was too sleepy to answer so I put it on silent mode than I turned on the other side of the bed. Squinting out the window I could see the moon. I was trying to sleep. After less than 10 minutes … the doorbell rang in the whole house. I started to get scared. I put my nigh gown and when I looked at my phone I had 37 missed calls. I looked on through the peep hole and I saw her. While I was scolding myself because I didn’t answer my phone, I opened the door.  She fell on her knees and started to cry. I got panicked. Her makeup was covering all her face and she barely could breathe and talk. I didn’t know what to do and how to react. She was lying on my small entrance hall. I quickly took a lot of napkins, a glass of water and I sat beside her. She didn’t look like the woman I knew for years holding her chin down to her chest, her eyes closed, holding her phone in one hand and the keys in the other. I let her put her head on my shoulder; I took her hand and kept quiet. Her tears were pouring. I let her cry although I can’t explain why. I didn’t say a word. I was holding her as I could and I was listening to her heart beats. She cried a lot. She snuggled in my arms and she became increasingly smaller. After a few good minutes she calmed down. She kept her head in my lap and she kept staring while holding herself. I continued to play with her hair and I felt her pain. It was pressing her thoughts, her soul and her desire. I tried not to imagine things. I just tried to take some of her pain and make it go away as far as I could. I don’t know if I managed to do it but she was better, lying on the floor of my entrance hall.

“Stand up…”

I can’t…

“You have to. I’ll help you have a shower, and then you’ll go into bed and sleep it off.”

I don’t want to wake up, I want to disappear, to forget about everything. I don’t want to live in this body anymore… My mind is empty. I can not think.”

“Go to sleep… Close your eyes …

Well…”

“Stop it. No more words… We’ll talk in the morning. Rest your mind and body. You are tired…”

She finally went to sleep. I stayed awake, lost and thoughtful. I saw the sunrise holding her in my arms… I wasn’t bothered by the fact that I didn’t know what had happened to her… I was suffering her pain…”

 

 

Next day….

 

I don’t know how much I slept… But I know that I was trembling when I decided to get up. She was still sleeping. I put on my gym suit and my uggs and I got to a little coffee shop near my place. I can’t imagine the face I had to buy some orange juice. My mother once told me that it gives you energy if you drink it in the morning. I needed some. I got back to my apartment, I opened the door slowly. My heart stopped when I saw her sitting in the living room. She was wearing her pyjamas, snuggled, with her forehead resting on her knees and with a cigarette in her hand. I think she forgot she had it lit. I once again shut up. I started to make coffee and I put two pancakes and some fruits in each plate, together with low-fat yogurt. I sat at the table. I waited. I was watching her to see if she will stretch her hand to put out the cigarette. It was already put out when she raised her head to look for the ashtray. She touched the cigarettes and the lighter. I watched her for a few more minutes while she was trying to light 3 more cigarettes. I couldn’t stand it.

“You are so stupid!! Put down the cigarettes immediately and cool down. I’ve let you, I’ve shut up, and I’ve been suffering with you. I can’t understand you and I don’t want to if you don’t feel the need to talk about it. Did someone die?!”

With her eyes locked in my direction she managed to pull out a work:

“No…”

“Than what…? Don’t you see yourself?! You are a grown up woman, you are powerful and independent. You are beautiful, healthy, and smart; you have a job, you have a house … a car of your own. How did I end up giving you advice? A few days ago I was just amazed by the things you said to me. Where is that woman? Where is your optimism? What could affect you so hard as to make you forget about yourself and everything you did with your life? I know, we all have our bad moments, at least once in a life time… The pain seems unbearable and it seems like no one could ever feel that way. Our dreams and hopes are broken and our soul is torn into pieces… We suffer … from love for friends, family or from professional issues. I also laid on the carpet and cried, I also banged my head against the walls and I screamed. I screamed as much as I could and I ran down the street hoping it could calm me down. Not once, not twice. Sometimes I had someone to call, sometimes I didn’t.”

“Oana it hurts…”

“It hurts!! I suffer more when I see you are destroying yourself. You smoked 3 cigarettes in 10 minutes… Who knows since when you haven’t eaten…? Let’s eat, drink your juice and we’ll talk after. Today we’ll be just the two of us. But before everything, you are the most important…”

We sat at the table… We started to talk about the weather (this is how every conversation starts in England), about food and stuff. I didn’t ask her a thing. She started to talk and tell me about it. Trust me; the important thing is not the story itself. I couldn’t make it public. Maybe someday … with her permission, of course. She told me lots of bad things last night after reading my blog. “Honestly, I believed you don’t have time to read, you surprised me in a pleasant manner :)“. But she wasn’t upset. She told me that as long as someone could learn from her stories, I could start writing them when the time comes.

She is passed her 25’s and she lived in most of the important capitals, after leaving her poor condition in a small city. She packed her bags and took the bus to leave the country when she was still a child. Her story began there. It hasn’t been easy for her. But each day made her grow and learn how to fight. No matter how strong you are, or how far you’ve gone, how many money you have in your bank account, how many cars you drive, you are still human… You are vulnerable and you have your weaknesses. It depends on each case. She was that strong woman hard to defeat. She used to walk straight, wore impeccable clothes and she had always had her hair done. I have never seen her dressed in a hurry or wearing her hair in a ponytail. And even so … she laid on my floor, she cried and suffered on my shoulder. I feel lucky I was the one who opened the door to her when she needed me to; I held her and especially I helped her with a small thing. Now, when she looks back she knows it was a stupid thing; a fall … We’ve all been there once. Weakness is not a flow. This night I learned that even powerful people are sensitive. We are all made of the same material. The only thing some of us have, are people who you can count on anytime, any hour, any place. You need support from friends and family. You can never do it alone…

About a MISTRESS

About you my dear. About a mistress.

Since I know her (and I’ve known her for a while) she had this statute. I don’t know how she had been before I met het but as far as she told me: the same. I don’t judge her, in fact I listen to her with my mouth opened, I live her stories and I can hardly wait for the next meeting. She has something, some kind of glue, a smile or maybe a perversity. I am not a man to know, but if I were I’m sure she would have been my mistress. As much as I like her, I think that if she stole my man I could strangle her. No matter the lady I wish to be, I know that a woman like her makes others forget all about you, so it is better – we stay friends, just the two of us.

Although it seems she has a hard role to accept, she fits perfectly. She does not suffer to get the attention of his friends; she doesn’t have to change her signature nor her last name. Many mistresses accept this role just because of sexual or material benefits. Or maybe this is what they like and what they prefer.

She does not call – others call her. She doesn’t have to ask about the “lady”, she knows nothing about the bills, she doesn’t have to worry about children, and she just loves and has sex (wow, good sex) or love – depending on the case. She drives him mad with her always impeccable lingerie. She has time to go to the hairdresser, to have relaxing massages and she is always smiling. She always has time for him or she just makes him believe this. Her eyes sparkle when she sees him and she is childishly happy. She listens to him; she doesn’t scream, she is sweet, warm and loving. What man could say NO to such a woman?

She doesn’t slam the door, just shuts it.

She doesn’t sweat while cleaning the house, she only sweats for him.

She doesn’t cry and dramatize, she just accepts.

She doesn’t want explanations, she just wants pleasure.

She doesn’t control, she offers freedom.

She asks for nothing but she gets all she wants.

Surely his wife thinks of her as a sex-symbol. A sexy bomb with big breasts, long feet and a lot of Botox in all over the places. “Girl, I’ve seen her, she is full of cellulites. She’s got breast implants, and she has Botox even in her ears. She is very ugly, you can’t even compare to her.” Maybe so…

Indeed, a wife can’t be compared to a mistress like her. She is willing to try new things, trying to improve sex and she spices her relationship every day. She doesn’t usually get home at 8 o’clock, tired and nervous because of her colleagues. She goes with him for a day in the place chosen by him without asking: “How much time until we get there?”, “Where are we going?”, without constantly looking at her watch and thinking if she has any food left in the fridge to put on the table. She also knows that love goes through the stomach and she cooks him dinner from time to time, dressed in sexy shorts, with a couple of candles and ambient music. If not, she feeds him with love and sex. Even the way she puts food in her mouth is totally different. While his old wife does not bother if a potato fell on her T- shirt, or if some oil stained her clothes– quickly wipes it with a towel: “Eh, not visible”(Yes it is !!!)  – while her (MISTRESS) even when she eats in bet she hangs a napkin on her T-shirt. Oh yes…even so… she surprises him with the breakfast directly when he wakes up. And so he spent another night with her while his wife knows that he had had an emergency and he had to go on a business trip.

The pillow is covered in lipstick, his shirt covers her body. She fools around, jokes and laughs. She doesn’t act like a mother; she is the mistress, the master and the slave – all in the same time. She obeys him, accepts orders when she wants to and takes control when she feels the need to do it. She admires every single bit of his body, kisses him sensually and makes him feel like a lion (or like a king – it’s the same). What can’t you get from a man when you put him on the highest shrine? He is like no other. He is the best, the most attractive, the richest. She finds all his words interesting and she believes in the same things as he does. Without contradictions and absurd opinions” Yes, you are absolutely right”, “God, you’re smart”.

She will always know what he wants, she is never depressed, she accepts her condition and she even loves him I may add. She wouldn’t like to change a thing. She had a lot of opportunities or possibilities – as you wish to call them. She doesn’t want to change. “I like to live like this; I like freedom, risk and adrenaline. If starting from tomorrow we were a couple, this would be interesting for a short while. After this short while I would start to tell you about him being late, keeping his phone on silent mode, being called by his boss at 11 o’clock at night or the fact that his phone battery died and he could call me to tell me he will not sleep at home.” She feels so strong because she is in control and she can say no whenever she likes, without being afraid he will leave her for another. He trusts her and he knows that there is no one better. She is like a drug and he is addicted to it. Even if he has to go in the most beautiful moments, he is not there on holidays (not always) or he must go to pick up his kids from school – she is happy, free and in love (as much as she can and as much as she wants to be). No one makes her do it, and she doesn’t ask for more. She simply likes to be a mistress. And not just any used mistress – a unique one – a mistress that any man would want to have.

Do you know?

Honestly, I don’t know how to begin this. Anyway, I’ll just say it: I have a new baby sister. My mother wasn’t pregnant and you didn’t hear about it and a child did not appear from I don’t know where.

Lately, we have forgotten to do good, to produce happiness for the ones who do not have this chance ; we have forgotten to thank God for all that we have and we want more and more, we would even wish to have the infinite if we could.

I had the chance to leave the country where I lived for almost 18 years; I luckily had the opportunity to study abroad, to break free from the Romanian way of thinking. I grew wings and I flew far away from home, alone, without any help except the support of my parents. My brother was more fortunate and he left the country at a younger age, 14 years old. I know, it sounds good: Geneva, school, friends, and money. But let’s put aside for a little bit the material things and think about the pain my parents felt when they were alone, let’s take into consideration all the risks my brother and I had taken when we found ourselves in big European cities, exposed to all kind of temptation. All these “stuff” , large or small, made us grow up every day, learn something new, appreciate more what we have and the most important thing – we learned to give more than we did before. This “giving” thing does not work in Romania. If we could take everything without having to give anything would be just perfect. Shortly: slob! Indeed, the poverty in this country makes you do some things.

I recently met her, Monica. Firstly my parents decided to help someone and secondly to replace the emptiness left by our leaving. So they decided on weekends, during holidays or for certain events to have a child in the family. Maybe “adoption” would be too much at the moment, because currently this is for a limited time but it means a lot. I went home last week and met her. I talked to her and honestly she made a good impression on me.

She has been living for 6 years in the Urziceni orphanage. She is the first in her class, a very clever and smart girl. She has a warm smile, a pure heart and she definitely didn’t have a childhood as well as I did, or as you did, (the one reading this) or your children did. She is 12 years old and she had the misfortune of being born in a family which I am not sure I can call family. She has two sisters who live in the same orphanage as she does. As far as I know, her younger sister (9 years old) also has the fortune to receive love and attention from a kind family in town. The older sister (18 years old) was the unlucky one. Being the first child of those “people” she received a less pleasant treatment which made her develop much slower. Too bad. I I would have liked to write in the evening I met her, I really tried to…but I couldn’t. While I was talking to her I had tears in my eyes. I can’t even put into words what I felt when I saw her picking up every lint on the bed – because „she must”, in order to maintain the cleaning in the orphanage. I asked her to let them as they were but she answered: “I got used to it”.

I stopped for a second. I was simply ashamed by the clothes I was wearing, the watch I had on my wrist, the idea of having a more expensive one, the desire of buying a new purse, the nerves that my laptop wasn’t running properly and the desire to buy a new one, the 3 phones I was holding…. On the other side, she was watching cartoons, laughing her heart out and she was holding a teddy-bear. I didn’t even remember the existence of that teddy- bear; I have no clue about cartoons these days.

She started to tell me a lot of things. Some of them I cannot make public because I don’t have the right to judge the Romanian system when I don’t act for changing it and I had never thought, in 24 years time, about that orphanage in my town. I feel ashamed. I felt more ashamed when she told me that they get juice and sweets only on holidays, that they receive an apple a day at lunch, that they do not have televisions in their rooms, that they receive clothes once in a blue moon from Slobozia, that they receive 28 lei a month … yes, 28 lei! With this money they have to buy medicines when necessary, sweets when they are craving, shoes when the old ones are stolen, underwear when the old one breaks … all these things (and many more) complying with the above mentioned amount.

Now stop for a little bit and look around. Is it so hard to sent some clothes there once a month, some food, medicines, money, toys and a TV you no longer use, a phone … you know … anything … I know, everyone is starving because of the financial crisis! But you have children to raise, to educate, to provide for them – and most importantly you give them love! You have got parents who love you, who would do everything for you. You are a lucky man! Every night there is a piece of cheese left in your fridge and you have 2 lei to buy a can of soda. You know about “Prigat”, “Nestea”, “Pepsi” – take a second to ask yourself – do they, the ones in the orphanage, know?!

I was once again ashamed when she told me they had only one sponsor – FOREIGN!!!! Not even a Romanian. From time to time, a person with a big heart sends them “a thing or two”. Do we, the ones who were born in a NORMAL, family know what it means to hide your clothes not to be stolen? Do we know how it feels when you go to school and you crave for a chocolate – a simple chocolate, the cheapest, at least once a week? Do we know how it feels to have no help at all? Do we know what it means not to see your parents for years, because they prefer to hold the bottle and not their children? Do we know what it means to give some of the toys of our children/ grandchildren to poor children who have no joy in life? Do we know how it feels to be beaten by other children just because they want to, because they are older and because this is what they had seen “at home”, before getting here? Do we know how it feels when people who replace your parents (orphanages employees) to do their job –army style? Short and simple: we have no clue!

I know, there are also good people, who adopt, who love other people’s children as their own. These people have all my appreciation and I wish that their number grew increasingly more. I personally know I was wrong. I didn’t spend a second to think of all these things, until I met Monica. I only thought of having more, buying more, taking more for myself. Maybe I thought of others too, but not enough. I have never thought of the right persons.

If you have a heart, if I woke up at least one feeling in it, do something. Anything. Maybe I was subjective when talking only about the children in Urziceni but I know these things happen all over the country. Do good – tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, it doesn’t matter when, just do it. Give these children some joy, make them happy in any way you can. The more possibilities you have, the more you should help them. If each of us gives a little: one kilo of tomatoes, a toy, a piece of clothing, a warm smile and a hug, we would be able to help them. We could make them feel better, loved and cared for. I am sure it can be done, I am sure that together we can change something – the “something” which can change the fate of a child – an innocent child, a child born in a family which does not deserve him.

Congratulations to my parents for what they did. Congratulations to the other families doing the same thing; congratulations to the people who fight for them – for less fortunate children.

 

Evolution vs. Regression

There are people who want to hurt you. I don’t know whether intentionally or not but some of them make a purpose out of this. You are permanently in their thoughts, you are their only idea and they are stuck – in the morning, noon, evening – it doesn’t matter– they dream of you in the worst situations. For the ones who don’t do this on their own initiative but it comes from their inside, it is worse. I wonder why someone could hate a person without knowing it. Why does an idea annoy you without knowing what it means? Why do you create ambitions without knowing their purpose? Because this is what you want and you are not aware of the fact that first of all you hurt yourself and then you hurt other people around you.

Each day we decide something; it’s possible that each minute we make a choice: for example, today I though whether to forgive or to love. As for the second option, I told to myself to try and eliminate the hatred out of my soul, slowly – slowly, little by little. First of all it makes me hurt and secondly, generally speaking, you lose precious time when someone “obsesses” you. Then I understood the first option: I forgive you because I know you are not aware. I’ve made a deal with myself: I don’t want to feel a thing when it comes to you. I have no opinion and nothing to tell you.

According to the saying: in life one cannot have it all. I don’t know exactly who said it so I can quote, but that person was a very good thinker. Anything you may want in life, firstly you should pray for your health, family and close ones. I thank God for my mother who prays for me every morning and she only sends me good thoughts and positive energy. I have recently seen a movie where a now born baby, just as he was out of the womb, stopped crying when he felt her mother’s touch. (At the end you will find the link for the movie). Although I do not pray enough, I have begun to do it more often.

Therefore, if God keeps you healthy, you start to want something else; you even start to want everything if possible. But this is impossible. Wouldn’t be great to have it all? You have money but no peace, you have peace but no love, you have love but no safety, you have safety but no understanding, you are understood but you have no happiness, you have happiness but no friends, you have friends but no possibilities, you have possibilities but no family, you have family but no freedom, you have freedom but no support, you have support but no resources, you have resources but no money, you have money but no health. And so on, we can go back to this vicious circle many times but we still get to the same point: you have something but you miss other thing.

Personally, I have always tried to have little of everything. I didn’t always succeed, but mostly I did. I tried to replace the gaps with similar things and satisfy my needs by using things that I had in excess. After summing this up I noticed I was a lucky person. No matter the things I didn’t have, the people trying to hurt me, bad things that came from inside me or other people, I always succeeded. I cannot explain but I have always achieved what I wanted and I have passed all the obstacles in life with baby steps. More mature since last year, more immature in the years that will come, this is me– the one who always overcomes any situation, me– who always gets where she wants, me – who grows strong from other people wickedness, me – the one who tears things apart when it comes to people I love, me – the one who accepts her mistakes and tries to forgive the mistakes made by ignorant people.

Love more… Much more!

Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5fUAdK5DPU

Soul

That moment when you want some peace, when your head is just whizzing, you can not see well, you stop hearing things and you can’t even more your lips. The pain in the heart is the greatest. Failure is killing you and logic is paradoxical. We are so good at giving advice and guiding. We know what is good, how to do good and which is the easiest way – when it comes to someone else. What happens when it comes to you, your person, yourself, your soul? Where is the reason? Where did you leave the correct thinking and the sense of reality?

 

If you listen to a mathematician, the soul does not even exist. It is not an organ, nor an object, it can not be touched and it doesn’t even smell. How can we define something no one has ever seen, something which has never been studied? In the same time, this is what it hurts the most. There is no medicine for souls and there will never be one. Maybe just a balm: time.

 

The chest pain can destroy you, in a couple of days, weeks, months. It is a disease you can live with –disease of the soul – the one with no treatment. You keep a low profile and gather within you all sort of feelings. Uncried tears go there – in your soul. No matter who you are, no matter how strong you think you are, no matter the safety and self control that you have– you fall, when you can not hold on.

 

What is better? To let your mind decide or your soul? What is easier? Mind functions independently of the soul but the soul is involuntarily connected to your thoughts.

 

Why can’t you be rational in certain situations and other times you are able to decide in seconds?

 

Why can you accept certain things in a specific moment, till the day comes and you can not do this anymore?

 

When do you stop?

 

How do you know you’ve reached the end?

 

How can you know when you will be able to go over it, over issues that do not let you sleep?

 

How can you find a floating line? The line between the heart and brain?

 

How can you give up your own happiness for other people’s happiness?

 

How can you build your peace with so many issues?

 

How can you fight although you know you will lose?

 

How can you want something when you know you can’t have it?

 

How can you say you can’t even though you want to do it?

 

How can you give up although you know you will not be able to?

 

How can you accept although you know you will suffer?

How can you think normally? How can you be consistent?

 

How can you stop being selfish? Not love yourself, not to take into account your own person and learn to give up – to give from you – for you and others.

 

Ideas, desires, ideals – where do all go when you have to conform?

 

Who can help you decide what is good, for your soul, for your peace and way of thinking? Who can guide you? Who can feel what you feel? Who can understand where you are? Why and how did you get there?

 

You call and talk. You receive opinions, advice, and all– come together, like a mechanism: do this, do that, don’t listen. You have a coffee, with your head bowed and tears in your eyes and listen: you are, you can, you will do it, and you will succeed. And you really succeed for the following minutes, hours, days, depending on the case and person. You feel powerful, you feel undefeated, and you have finally found your answers. It will pass. This state always passes. And what do you do in those moments when you are alone? When you take a shower, when you drive, when you read (actually you read your own thoughts and not the book you are holding) and especially when you put your head to rest … when you turn off the light, you wrap yourself in the blanket and close your eyes. Anyway, you shut your eyes for nothing, you lie to yourself for nothing, you try for nothing and you change sides … for nothing … it is all for nothing. It hurts, something that can not be cured: your soul!

Title – absent

I said it so many times but I will say it again: sometimes we are so different that we are alike. It sounds strange, I know, but I’ve reached the conclusion that we can create categories to catalogue people. One more than another but exactly the same stereotype. Women can be sluts, easy to take home and be kept as sweethearts or just mistresses. Men like sluts; they are weak, powerful, naive or dominators. There are many kinds of friends: real ones , friends for life, coffee friends or simply: nothing.

We put everyone in a category whether we like it or not. Wheels spin and we label. I don’t know if this works for everybody from the start, but someone once said that first impression matters. This could be true … I changed mine many times but finally I got in the same place. Characters are also different from the best to the worst. So, I’ve heard “I hate perverts”so many times that it seems to be taken from a book. Firstly stop and see if you have ever been pervert with somebody: your boss, your colleague, your friend or others. I can answer it for you: YES. Let’s leave perfection aside and be honest. As long as we are made of the same material, we have the same basic things: legs, eyes, mouth and ears, it is rather difficult to be different and not do the things all people do. “Oh God, I’ve always spoke my mind, I have nothing to hide”– I think I heard this a thousand times. He turned his back and said: “Fuck her, she is so damn stupid!” and so on. Ehee…people are bad, but I am the only one who is not.

Overall, we are the same in different situations. We do things in another way; we express ourselves differently and we act a little differently. I have always admired calm people and I wish I was more patient in different situations, to maintain my blood pressure and think clearly. I tend to believe that this is a genetic feature or it depends on the experience gained. I am permanently agitated, I have to do as many things as I can at the same time, doing nothing is a “serious danger” to my mental health!

Some people are slower or nicely put: more patient. They sometimes gain but there are times when I feel the urge to strangle them. “I have to think about it”, “I am not sure”, “Let’s see”. And I go: how much? Why? Until?.  I know that sometimes I am tiring and annoying, but people, I believe that we don’t have time to sleep. These days, things happen FAST. I know that this isn’t exactly correct; I know we run from place to place like robots but what can we do? This is how all things function. And I wonder, is it possible that those who take their time in analyzing things had something more to gain? Or those who finish things before a deadline have time to do other things too, to do the next step?

The thing killing me slowly but surely: uncertainty. I consider myself a rational person, who quickly analyzes things and makes a decision. Sometimes I may be wrong but it is not something that can not be fixed or which you have nothing to learn from. Waiting for an answer kills me. Many times, when I had to wait for a phone call, an email or a message to get an answer– eh, those times the blood in my body had 10 times the speed. I checked my phone a thousand times, I sent a message: “I am waiting for your answer”, I tried to think at something else, but without use. I can not change. I am always under the impression that I do things the best, that I am the only one to have a conversation and to address a problem. This is wrong because I am not some kind of god or a genius.

There were many times when during meetings I had to be quiet because the person I was with had bigger rights, was older or more experienced. I was nervously stamping my feet, rubbing my hands and trying to say with my eyes: “Don’t forget this aspect”, “Make him remember this” and examples can go on. I know this isn’t exactly right. My poor mother told me so many times to calm down, to wait, and not get nervous. But what to do when you feel YOU could do better than anyone else?

Cheated woman

I am very much amused by the way women think before it happened to them: “I will not accept it, if he cheats on me I’m out. I don’t understand how she can live in the same house with him after finding about the things he used do with that woman, the places they used to go to and the lies he used to say.”

In theory this is perfect (we are all the same). But it comes the crazy and unexpected day when she finds messages, emails and other stuff. Or, her best friend gives her the big news: he is cheating on you. She will either refuse to believe or she will look carefully and notice that it is true– it happened to her, too.

–       You son of a bitch are cheating on me. Take a look at the messages I have found. I know everything.

–       It’s not true. You’re crazy!

–       I’m not crazy, I called her too and she told me it is true. Shame on you, I don’t want to see you again! It all ends here!

–       I am sorry, it was just a stupid thing to do, I only love you. You are my life, my soul, I don’t need anyone else. I promise I will end it with her. (This will happen when he is really sorry, if not – he just leaves and slams the door.)

Next comes the scene, the fight, tears and reproaches. She packs his bags, unpacks …she doesn’t know what to do. Some time ago she was so sure of herself that she could not accept something like this; she can’t go over it, she can’t even spend a minute with him.

What would you expect as a cheated woman? (I am generally speaking, I know you are a strong woman and you wouldn’t do this)

I will tell you – you want him to beg, to repeat a 1000 times a second he loves you, you want to feel he is sorry, you want him to block the door when you are leaving (although you know very well that you will not go or if you go, you are coming back) and the most important thing – you want him to call that woman, to , you want to hear him swearing, embarrass her, tell her how much he loves you and that she was just a slut, just an adventure.

–      I will stay only if you call that woman and tell her exactly what I say.  

–       I won’t call her. I am done with her but I won’t embarrass me.

And the crazy starts:

–      You are already playing the fool, you have no dignity. The things that I do for you … I gave up all that you didn’t like, I abandoned my friends, I never go out without you, I do your laundry, I iron your clothes. What more do you need? You very well know that you will never find someone like me, who will always be on your side supporting you, listening to you and fighting for the things you want. You are my number one priority and all things spin around you. What have I done wrong for you to do such a thing? I don’t deserve this.

Stop!

1-    you will never be better, there will always be others better than you – because this is life. No matter what you do, you can’t be the best. No matter how much you try to lie to yourself and fill his head with metaphors or comparisons – you remind him that you gave up I don’t know how many things just for him. But … stop for a while and think about it, who makes the rules? Who tells you how to act? Nobody. You do it because you want to. Him saying: “I wish it was true” does not alter your mind.

2-    Compromises have a limit. If you, as a woman, do not have anything interesting in you, doing everything as he wants you to, as he likes it, when he wants it, you don’t even bother, you become as absent in this relationship as he is – it is normal to get to this. He definitely found someone who raises his interest. Generally speaking, a man does not look for others when he is deeply in love, if he is drown by you and he is afraid: “What am I to do if I lose her? What do I win if I go with another woman?” 

3-     You have done something wrong if it got here (you forgot about you, about him and about your relationship) or he simply does not deserve your love and this is the way he can be. Although I believe you have to see these things from the start, to know how much he likes to go out and his interest in having a normal relationship – just with you.

So, did he cheat on you? Do you feel awful? You don’t know what is happening to you and how to react? Give up the scene. In my opinion, there are two possibilities which are very clear:

Either you forgive him and politely and briefly explain things to him – acting like a lady. You tell him that this is the last time when you go over it; you close your eyes and consider this as a mistake. (But don’t forget, once you’ve done it, you can’t undone it). You raise your strength, force and diplomacy and you will never talk about the subject. Not even when you are extremely nervous or when things go bad between you and him. You forgave him so try to forget all about it. Even if the pain persists you have to accept that you’ve gone over it. You may punish him in any way you want – but not too much – no one is that patient, no matter the stake. You never get in touch with the “mistress” – this is the golden rule. She will be the loser, not you. Even though you know her telephone number by heart, even though all your friends tell you about the places she visits and the things she does, forget all about her. Imagine her kneeling (as she likes it) and you are standing. You don’t lose your dignity even for a second, at all. Go on, trying to change something (think about it and see what you’ve done wrong, look for the reasons that made him look for something else) and when it comes to the next mistake – you know that to do.

Either – take your bag, slam the door and leave. Without any explanation, request, not even a word. You finish it on the spot and go on with your life. Don’t expect messages, phone calls and surprises. Simple … but hard!

How important is ambition in life?

First of all what is ambition?

That crazy desire to succeed, achieve success and especially the desire of being different. It’s the thing that makes you want to achieve your goal, to do something special. Ambition is the thing that makes you do more than you think you can, the strange thing that makes you think out of the box.

Ambition makes you feel better. It awakens your hope, pushes you from behind and makes you think more, increasingly more. Ambition helps you give a purpose to your life; create a goal, a target. You always start from the idea: I want to do this, I want to go there. Everything is easier; the impossible can become possible even since the first steps. Look around and ask yourself why can the other and you can not? Why is your boss younger than you? I know, you will simply answer: he had connections. Wrong. You can’t solve a thing, no matter the help, if you don’t want to, if you don’t give more.

First step. Think about what you want, as much as you want to and especially why do you want it? What will you win? Where will you get? Do not just create evil ambitions. You’ll get nowhere. You will darken your soul and consciousness. Learn not to be afraid and find the courage to start your adventure in the race to obtain what you want.

Believe in you, from the start. Never say “no”, “it’s too much”, “I can’t”, “I don’t know how”. If you do it just once, stop, you are not on the right path. You have to better analyze your purpose and values. Think about the way you can improve them or the way you can use their full capacity. Grab a ball pen and a sheet and start to make a plan, simple but sure. You have to get from point A (where you are now) to point B (where you want to get to). The line between is the path you must take. Charge yourself with everything you need but the most important thing, with AMBITION. Never give up. Simple things don’t last. Big things need time.

Remember! The lack of ambition is like a wardrobe without jeans. You can live without jeans, I know. But try to do it. Only then you will understand what I mean.

Do you like what you do now? Is this what you have been dreaming since childhood? If your answer is NO, I will tell you that you didn’t have the necessary ambition. Don’t try to use your mother, father, neighbor or any other reasons you may find at the moment. There is no one to blame that you didn’t take twice as much effort, no one is to blame that you were stuck in the same place, at the same level for so much time. Only you!

You still have time to change; you can still do what you like, start to work at one of your plans, a plan of success. I do not mean just the job. I mean everything, everything about you. Ambition must be in you every minute. You must want a better life, a better family, a better job. If success was something easily done everybody would scream of happiness. It doesn’t come all at once, baby steps, firm steps.

You don’t want to change? Are you satisfied with what you have? With what you can do? Very good! But stop pointing fingers to the one who keeps progressing, stop picking holes in the coats of the ones making money, stop misjudging people who achieve more than you do. Settle for less, and that’s it.

And… don’t you see yourself as a lucky person? Luck comes from the years spent working. Even when you think you got it over night; ask yourself how many hours of sleep deprivation, how many sketches and plans did he make and especially how much ambition did he have – the lucky one?

Start right now. Ambition yourself.

How many times did I use the word “ambition”? Or maybe you don’t have enough ambition to find the answer.