5 o’clock in the morning. My phone was ringing. I was too sleepy to answer so I put it on silent mode than I turned on the other side of the bed. Squinting out the window I could see the moon. I was trying to sleep. After less than 10 minutes … the doorbell rang in the whole house. I started to get scared. I put my nigh gown and when I looked at my phone I had 37 missed calls. I looked on through the peep hole and I saw her. While I was scolding myself because I didn’t answer my phone, I opened the door. She fell on her knees and started to cry. I got panicked. Her makeup was covering all her face and she barely could breathe and talk. I didn’t know what to do and how to react. She was lying on my small entrance hall. I quickly took a lot of napkins, a glass of water and I sat beside her. She didn’t look like the woman I knew for years holding her chin down to her chest, her eyes closed, holding her phone in one hand and the keys in the other. I let her put her head on my shoulder; I took her hand and kept quiet. Her tears were pouring. I let her cry although I can’t explain why. I didn’t say a word. I was holding her as I could and I was listening to her heart beats. She cried a lot. She snuggled in my arms and she became increasingly smaller. After a few good minutes she calmed down. She kept her head in my lap and she kept staring while holding herself. I continued to play with her hair and I felt her pain. It was pressing her thoughts, her soul and her desire. I tried not to imagine things. I just tried to take some of her pain and make it go away as far as I could. I don’t know if I managed to do it but she was better, lying on the floor of my entrance hall.
“You have to. I’ll help you have a shower, and then you’ll go into bed and sleep it off.”
“I don’t want to wake up, I want to disappear, to forget about everything. I don’t want to live in this body anymore… My mind is empty. I can not think.”
“Go to sleep… Close your eyes …
“Stop it. No more words… We’ll talk in the morning. Rest your mind and body. You are tired…”
She finally went to sleep. I stayed awake, lost and thoughtful. I saw the sunrise holding her in my arms… I wasn’t bothered by the fact that I didn’t know what had happened to her… I was suffering her pain…”
I don’t know how much I slept… But I know that I was trembling when I decided to get up. She was still sleeping. I put on my gym suit and my uggs and I got to a little coffee shop near my place. I can’t imagine the face I had to buy some orange juice. My mother once told me that it gives you energy if you drink it in the morning. I needed some. I got back to my apartment, I opened the door slowly. My heart stopped when I saw her sitting in the living room. She was wearing her pyjamas, snuggled, with her forehead resting on her knees and with a cigarette in her hand. I think she forgot she had it lit. I once again shut up. I started to make coffee and I put two pancakes and some fruits in each plate, together with low-fat yogurt. I sat at the table. I waited. I was watching her to see if she will stretch her hand to put out the cigarette. It was already put out when she raised her head to look for the ashtray. She touched the cigarettes and the lighter. I watched her for a few more minutes while she was trying to light 3 more cigarettes. I couldn’t stand it.
“You are so stupid!! Put down the cigarettes immediately and cool down. I’ve let you, I’ve shut up, and I’ve been suffering with you. I can’t understand you and I don’t want to if you don’t feel the need to talk about it. Did someone die?!”
With her eyes locked in my direction she managed to pull out a work:
“Than what…? Don’t you see yourself?! You are a grown up woman, you are powerful and independent. You are beautiful, healthy, and smart; you have a job, you have a house … a car of your own. How did I end up giving you advice? A few days ago I was just amazed by the things you said to me. Where is that woman? Where is your optimism? What could affect you so hard as to make you forget about yourself and everything you did with your life? I know, we all have our bad moments, at least once in a life time… The pain seems unbearable and it seems like no one could ever feel that way. Our dreams and hopes are broken and our soul is torn into pieces… We suffer … from love for friends, family or from professional issues. I also laid on the carpet and cried, I also banged my head against the walls and I screamed. I screamed as much as I could and I ran down the street hoping it could calm me down. Not once, not twice. Sometimes I had someone to call, sometimes I didn’t.”
“Oana it hurts…”
“It hurts!! I suffer more when I see you are destroying yourself. You smoked 3 cigarettes in 10 minutes… Who knows since when you haven’t eaten…? Let’s eat, drink your juice and we’ll talk after. Today we’ll be just the two of us. But before everything, you are the most important…”
We sat at the table… We started to talk about the weather (this is how every conversation starts in England), about food and stuff. I didn’t ask her a thing. She started to talk and tell me about it. Trust me; the important thing is not the story itself. I couldn’t make it public. Maybe someday … with her permission, of course. She told me lots of bad things last night after reading my blog. “Honestly, I believed you don’t have time to read, you surprised me in a pleasant manner :)“. But she wasn’t upset. She told me that as long as someone could learn from her stories, I could start writing them when the time comes.
She is passed her 25’s and she lived in most of the important capitals, after leaving her poor condition in a small city. She packed her bags and took the bus to leave the country when she was still a child. Her story began there. It hasn’t been easy for her. But each day made her grow and learn how to fight. No matter how strong you are, or how far you’ve gone, how many money you have in your bank account, how many cars you drive, you are still human… You are vulnerable and you have your weaknesses. It depends on each case. She was that strong woman hard to defeat. She used to walk straight, wore impeccable clothes and she had always had her hair done. I have never seen her dressed in a hurry or wearing her hair in a ponytail. And even so … she laid on my floor, she cried and suffered on my shoulder. I feel lucky I was the one who opened the door to her when she needed me to; I held her and especially I helped her with a small thing. Now, when she looks back she knows it was a stupid thing; a fall … We’ve all been there once. Weakness is not a flow. This night I learned that even powerful people are sensitive. We are all made of the same material. The only thing some of us have, are people who you can count on anytime, any hour, any place. You need support from friends and family. You can never do it alone…