Missing

When you miss….someone, something, a certain place..

Missing is a feeling that’s part of us, it’s there on a constant basis. However, I find it so hard to define this feeling.. how many times a day do you miss anything? Several times, even without realizing it.. you tell the story of a beautiful holiday, that you spent a couple of years ago and you start missing the places over there, you see an ice-cream box and you start missing eating the childhood ice-cream, and the examples can go on and on. Home missing is present in the heart and soul of each and every one of us, when we are not home, being hundreds or even thousands of kilometers away from home. However, the worst missing is that of the people we love, the memories we have spent being beside them and the happy moments we shared. No matter how it may be, missing is for ever in our souls.

I walk around the house, wearing some easy clothes on, I want to write, to relax a little bit, it’s been some time now since I last wrote something. While I am looking for my charger, I get stuck on the hundreds of pictures that I have in my office. So many people, friends and family…. Each such photo stands for a certain memory, a thought, a joy or certain sadness. Some of them I would like to tear, to throw away the part with the people having disappointed me, or who made me upset or maybe whom I made upset… Others bring back memories and I wish I had the power to break down the barriers of distance and to lay the loved ones beside me. I simply cut off any connection with the real world, lose myself in the world of missing and relive kinds and kinds of moments and I start talking with my dear friends, just me and them… in my world…..

Missing is always flying, like in search for that “something” that’s missing. Today I miss the touch, the love, a hugging..he’s once again far away…another night..and now, I’m holding his picture…. Hey you, who are reading these lines..what are you missing for? Missing is lurking. Only your soul knows why, what for. You smile or you get sad.. You’re missing!

And then…

The laughing missing: a fulfilled love, kept from a distance. Hearts that beat at the same pace and rhythm in distinct lands. The crazy desire in the lovers’ heart who have to stay apart. Reaching the impossible for a certain look, a certain kiss, or a hug. Cutting the days off the calendar and constantly counting the seconds. When the distance gets smaller and smaller, by the mere getting close of the thoughts and the communication of vibrations…When the tick – tack of the clock can be heard night and day.. When sleeping disappears, and being tired is not there.. Your heart is pounding.. all these for the person you love, for the missing state you share. This missing that waits to be melted..the missing of a fulfilled love!

How nice. How many stories go through our head, times of madness and riot in our souls, the hops of joy, the running through trains, cars and more recently, planes. The first hug, after so much time, that leaves you breathless.. the sweet kiss and the holding of hands, when you feel the entire world is somewhere down there, clapping hands for the couple present in the bright and shinning light of happiness. Just you and him. That’s all. Do you start missing? That means that you miss loving, feeling, living… it’s still time..

And since in live there’s also good but also evil things, the same goes with this missing.. The crying missing. Whether we want it or not, it exists, occurs, it can be felt. No one gets away with it, we too go through this stage. We miss the people who are no longer present in our lives. Because that’s how they, us or the fate decided. And it’s as if my hand starts working hard on the keyboard, I breath in and sob. Because the missing of an unfulfilled love hurts, but it goes away, the missing of far away people hurts, but it goes away.. one way or another, after a brief or long period of time, it attenuates itself or gets replaced. However, there’s one type of missing state that’s crying, which cannot be erased or forgotten: the missing of the people who no longer exist.. because they are gone, either soon or late, either young or old, it doesn’t matter any more..there’s never a right moment for this. And this type of missing causes pain, a pain that cannot be consumed by anything else, for both the time and them are never coming back..and believe me, what you miss the more is you being around these people who are no longer alive..

“If I were to understand, when it’s time for me to die,
I would pray to the snow falling, just to feel one more last shiver,
I would pray to the snow falling to pour a fatal snow on me
and to be able to get to such an ending.

Right now, I’m missing more and more the fragrances of cold,
Over a frozen river, I shall scream to the world
and I shall fall in the snow, just like in a mill of fire 
and the bloody frost shall burn me on the sport.

The careless summers are too sad and sweet,
I need my cold, I need the snowflakes,
I need to have something by which I can extinguish,
a certain fire set in my heart.

My companion in town is an invalid iceberg
and so many heats will come to drive us into a corner,
but I cannot even stand hot women,
nor pavements leading to one’s going crazy.

I’ve seen so many break – ups, so ugly decorated,
With satanic rains crying and that’s all
and I’ve also seen some fallings on a ski downgrade,
where everything is nice and people can die.

As for me, I don’t know, when time comes, I too shall die,
but I’m praying for the snows, for a last shiver,
to give you the right to know, so that you can’t see me
and to die arrogant into the everlasting snows.”

Shiver missing, Adrian Paunescu

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