Saturday

I don’t even know when summer went away. It already starts to be chilly at night, the wind starts blowing and we can feel the autumn coming. I don’t want for the cold to come. I like it when it’s warm; I prefer feeling suffocated by heat, waiting for 10 minutes for the air conditioning in my car to handle the issue, and most of all, lying with a good book on a chaise longue, when I’m free to do so. Summer is the season of love, the season of colors and of intense feelings. Each summer has its own story, a certain age and most of all certain significance. Nights are long; sunrise is different and just like Mihaela Radulescu used to say: “summer is the autumn of smart women”. But since everything that’s nice does not hold too long, or better said does not hold for ever, the same also goes for my favorite season…

There’s a little bit of sadness in my soul, as well as a bit of disappointment.. Not even the ladybirds will be much present around me. And I can recall the phrase I had heard in my first years of school: “summer birds go to hot lands”. Why don’t they stay and face the cold, suffer and endure together with us? They lift their wings and fly towards a better place…. What’s that better place all about? When do we know how it could be better? Who is to decide this for us? How many times a day do we hear the words “It’s not good to…”, “you shouldn’t .”..? Well, perhaps they are right, I don’t argue, but I would so much like to read a book where we are told what’s wrong and what’s right…. I shall hereby exclude the Bible from this way of thinking of mine….

In the recent years I have heard so many theories, coming from so many different cultures, that there’s an absolute chaos in my head. Logic loses its reason and we lead our lives subject to certain prototypes. Because that’s how we decide to do this and above all, because we agree to do so.

I’ve met a lady, in a European town, of about 60. I’ve learnt so many things from that woman, who had gone through life and who had had a lot of experience, but this would be an understatement. She looked better than an 18 year old kid; she has her own place, her time and successes in life. She has worked a lot, done some business as well and she has also taken care of the kids all at the same time. She had a taste of happiness, of sadness, disappointment, as well as of accomplishment, but what’s most important is the fact that she has also discovered how to accept herself as a woman. The first thing she told me was to learn to listen to my body and to trust its wisdom.  At that time I had no idea what she was saying, but after a series of conversations and the hours I have spent speechlessly in front of her, I have indeed learnt. If you don’t feel alive at the inside and you don’t really feel the joy with all your heart, you live in vain, you are empty. You have to learn how to open yourself, despite all blockages that take place in your mind, body and soul. She told me to listen only to myself and in a strange way, she has never given me any advice whatsoever. She has only done the talking and I have read between the lines. Life is not something easy to understand and above all, it is neither pink nor grey. I have often given advice and analyzed other people’s problems, without however understanding what they were actually feeling. And I cannot say I was wrong, I’ve only tried to be a good friend. Parents teach you not to talk to anyone, because it’s not good. Good friends tell you no longer to trust anyone since nobody wishes you good. And then what? Should we keep it all to ourselves, should we talk to ourselves alone in the mirror and pretend everything is just perfect?. How many times have you gone out with your friends in town, smiling although you could hear your soul screaming with pain? How many times have you played the part of a perfect person / mom / child / wife or I don’t know what? And all these for what? Because it’s not good for the world to see, to know, to be glad.. Frankly, only stupid people can be glad about it. Hypocrites would even say.. One friend of mine told me once: “Why can’t I look happy when I’m not, you know, let everyone see that I have no worry, when I would cry my eyes out in front of everybody?”. I honestly had no idea what to tell her then, but now that I think about it, I think it was the lack of trust and the fear of being judged. Judged by whom? By “no one”.. And we all know that this “no one” also cries, suffers, loves and gets disappointed. Not only once, but several times for sure.

And when laughing tends to hurt, just close your eyes and dream on…

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